Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
