Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
too bad you live with your parents still
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
