u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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