she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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