we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
