the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
