I just pynch a tree in the face
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
