My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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