just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize