U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
