Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
