I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
