I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
