He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I forgot wine drunk hurts
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
