Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
