Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
