I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize