I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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