Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
