If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
