Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
