i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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