I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
