I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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