TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
