all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
