Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
