Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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