theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
