I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
