I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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