This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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