My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
