I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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