I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
