and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
