Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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