I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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