Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
