mondays should just be called national damage control day
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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