Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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