You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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