im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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