Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
