$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
