They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
