I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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