can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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