You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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