forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
