Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
