I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
