Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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