Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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